Today is Valentine’s Day. I am not prone to hyperbole, so you can believe me when I tell you that today, February 14th, 2013, is the worst day ever. It started magically- I woke up to sunlight, fresh air and Californian forest (oh- I’m in California now), and went on what can only be described as a little run about a movie set, so perfect is this suburban town. (I don’t want to boast, but I’m pretty sure Eddie, of Eddie’s Deli, was impressed when I sweated around his store, gawping at the size of the watermelons*).
I returned home to an excellent breakfast, and took my 7-year old friend on what she optimistically termed a ‘hike’- as we were away for less than 30 minutes, and at no point lost sight of the house, an English person would describe it as a ‘quick moment outside to check the weather’. This kid will acclimatise to America perfectly.
So far, so good. Until I checked my phone: I love you. <3. Mum.
My Mother has learnt how to send emoticons. Please excuse me- I'm just going outside. I may be some time.
*Not a euphemism*
I would like to start this post by stating categorically that I really really like pancakes.
(I like eggs and carbs the most, and this combines both of them). I have no issue with sweet or savoury pancakes, thick or thin pancakes, overdone or undercooked pancakes.
If pancakes were a political party or a sexual preference, I would be a card carrying member of their club. What I hate is pancake day. Guess what? You’re a grown up! You get to choose, every single day, what you put into your mouth. You can eat nothing but pancakes all year long if you so choose. Or never let their fluffy, comforting goodness anywhere near you. The only thing you cannot, in good conscience do, is squeal like a 5 year old on Christmas morning over the idea of a day where you can only eat one food product. You people make me look back on Valentine’s Day with nostalgia. And worry terribly about what you will be like on Halloween.
I have found my new favourite website. CheckSafetyFirst.com. They’re the guys who go round places and check safety. (I assume they wake up early, and get there first.
You know, in a time when an orange-flavoured drink substitute which contains more sugar than a bag of Haribo sweets can be marketed as a healthy juice for children, it’s pleasing to see something so appropriately named). So usually, the CheckSafetyFirst guys pop into hotels and lurk around the swimming pool counting the number of dive-bombs and mean older sisters pushing little brothers into the water (He doesn’t have any big brothers! We were trying to toughen him up! I really think our parents should have been more grateful).
They also check food safety, which reminds me of a school project to ‘find the dirtiest part of the school’, where ‘kitchens and all food areas were out of bounds’. And this Valentine’s Day, they’re helping people at home. CheckSafetyFirst have done a study on ‘takeaway risk’. (Did you know that 1 in 4 Brits plan on celebrating Valentine’s Day with a takeaway? I am furious. I bloody love takeaway. Although it is Tuesday, which is Domino’s ‘Two for Tuesday’ day; or as I like to call it, ‘The day I eat Two large pizzas and am delighted’ . Really every Tuesday is Valentine’s Day for me).
For those of you who are not so loved-up as I am (Dominos regularly texts me, just to see how I am. And make sure I’m not hungry/ eating other pizzas. Some people might find them a little possessive, but I like how much they care), be wary when ordering your romantic takeaways. Firstly, CheckSafetyFirst tells me, beware of special offers. It could mean the restaurant has lots of out-of-date stock that they are hoping to foist onto their unsuspecting customers. (Two for Tuesday doesn’t count; because it happens 52 times a year. Honestly, anything that happens 52 times a year is not a special offer. It’s more Katie Price’s novels.
Always on special offer). Secondly, don’t accept any lukewarm meat. Thirdly, beware of leftovers. (If you have leftovers, you don’t deserve to have a takeaway. I’m regularly getting through 28″ of pizza. You lot aren’t even trying). Do look at CheckSafetyFirst.com if you’re feeling blue about Valentine’s Day- they’ll tell you how likely your loved-up friends are to survive their romantic break. It’s stupendous.