Tag Archives: take-away

Ask Jeeves

I was awake at 6am last Sunday. I didn’t want to be awake. I didn’t even really want to be alive. I lay in the dark, wondering what I had done to deserve such punishment. ‘All I want,’ I thought to myself feebly. ‘Is someone to bring me a glass of water and a cold flannel.’ I wondered who would be kind enough to help me. ‘No-one would be kind enough to help me,’ I moaned to myself pitifully. ‘But I would give someone every penny I had for a cold flannel on my aching head.’ Which is when I finally realised. ‘All I need,’ I whispered softly into the silence. ‘Is a butler.’

I would like to take this opportunity to advertise for a butler.

This is a very good job. Your day will begin at 9am (but you only need to be awake, and certainly not dressed or coherent. I am an equal opportunities employer). It would be nice if you brought me some breakfast, but any food you can locate will suffice. The rest of the day will vary, but most of the time, you will be treated to lightness and whimsy, as I try out new comedic material on you.

(Some of this will be offensive, and it will be part of your job to tell me which parts are. Ironically, this will not offend me in the slightest). In the evening, I will cook. If I go out for dinner, I will leave you some money so you can order a take-away. (I do not want a skinny butler. I do not trust them).

Your only real responsibilities begin at bedtime. During the night, I have a habit of kicking off my sheet, duvet and pillows. I would like you to retrieve these for me. But not in a scary way. Try to make yourself as unobtrusive as possible. No-one wants to wake up with someone leering over them holding a pillow.

On Saturday and Sunday mornings, I would like you to pop into my room from 6am onwards with a cold flannel and a promise that ‘this too shall pass’. There is no need to do anything else on the weekend- I’ll scarcely remember you exist.

At present, this is an unpaid position. However, with such an excellent method of overcoming my hangovers, I imagine my productivity will soar. I would not be at all surprised if a few weeks down the line you are earning in excess of £14 a week. Obviously, as this point I will stop leaving you money for take-aways.



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I have found my new favourite website. CheckSafetyFirst.com. They’re the guys who go round places and check safety. (I assume they wake up early, and get there first.

You know, in a time when an orange-flavoured drink substitute which contains more sugar than a bag of Haribo sweets can be marketed as a healthy juice for children, it’s pleasing to see something so appropriately named). So usually, the CheckSafetyFirst guys pop into hotels and lurk around the swimming pool counting the number of dive-bombs and mean older sisters pushing little brothers into the water (He doesn’t have any big brothers! We were trying to toughen him up! I really think our parents should have been more grateful).

 They also check food safety, which reminds me of a school project to ‘find the dirtiest part of the school’, where ‘kitchens and all food areas were out of bounds’. And this Valentine’s Day, they’re helping people at home. CheckSafetyFirst have done a study on ‘takeaway risk’. (Did you know that 1 in 4 Brits plan on celebrating Valentine’s Day with a takeaway? I am furious. I bloody love takeaway. Although it is Tuesday, which is Domino’s ‘Two for Tuesday’ day; or as I like to call it, ‘The day I eat Two large pizzas and am delighted’ . Really every Tuesday is Valentine’s Day for me). 

For those of you who are not so loved-up as I am (Dominos regularly texts me, just to see how I am. And make sure I’m not hungry/ eating other pizzas. Some people might find them a little possessive, but I like how much they care), be wary when ordering your romantic takeaways. Firstly, CheckSafetyFirst tells me, beware of special offers. It could mean the restaurant has lots of out-of-date stock that they are hoping to foist onto their unsuspecting customers. (Two for Tuesday doesn’t count; because it happens 52 times a year. Honestly, anything that happens 52 times a year is not a special offer. It’s more Katie Price’s novels.

Always on special offer). Secondly, don’t accept any lukewarm meat. Thirdly, beware of leftovers. (If you have leftovers, you don’t deserve to have a takeaway. I’m regularly getting through 28″ of pizza. You lot aren’t even trying). Do look at CheckSafetyFirst.com if you’re feeling blue about Valentine’s Day- they’ll tell you how likely your loved-up friends are to survive their romantic break. It’s stupendous.

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