I have found my new favourite website. They’re the guys who go round places and check safety. (I assume they wake up early, and get there first.

You know, in a time when an orange-flavoured drink substitute which contains more sugar than a bag of Haribo sweets can be marketed as a healthy juice for children, it’s pleasing to see something so appropriately named). So usually, the CheckSafetyFirst guys pop into hotels and lurk around the swimming pool counting the number of dive-bombs and mean older sisters pushing little brothers into the water (He doesn’t have any big brothers! We were trying to toughen him up! I really think our parents should have been more grateful).

 They also check food safety, which reminds me of a school project to ‘find the dirtiest part of the school’, where ‘kitchens and all food areas were out of bounds’. And this Valentine’s Day, they’re helping people at home. CheckSafetyFirst have done a study on ‘takeaway risk’. (Did you know that 1 in 4 Brits plan on celebrating Valentine’s Day with a takeaway? I am furious. I bloody love takeaway. Although it is Tuesday, which is Domino’s ‘Two for Tuesday’ day; or as I like to call it, ‘The day I eat Two large pizzas and am delighted’ . Really every Tuesday is Valentine’s Day for me). 

For those of you who are not so loved-up as I am (Dominos regularly texts me, just to see how I am. And make sure I’m not hungry/ eating other pizzas. Some people might find them a little possessive, but I like how much they care), be wary when ordering your romantic takeaways. Firstly, CheckSafetyFirst tells me, beware of special offers. It could mean the restaurant has lots of out-of-date stock that they are hoping to foist onto their unsuspecting customers. (Two for Tuesday doesn’t count; because it happens 52 times a year. Honestly, anything that happens 52 times a year is not a special offer. It’s more Katie Price’s novels.

Always on special offer). Secondly, don’t accept any lukewarm meat. Thirdly, beware of leftovers. (If you have leftovers, you don’t deserve to have a takeaway. I’m regularly getting through 28″ of pizza. You lot aren’t even trying). Do look at if you’re feeling blue about Valentine’s Day- they’ll tell you how likely your loved-up friends are to survive their romantic break. It’s stupendous.

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