Bikini+ body=bikini body

Today, according to a press release I just received, is the day where most women decide that they are going to ‘get that bikini body’. This is interesting to me, because I already have a very simple way to ‘get a bikini body’. Take one body, + bikini= bikini body. (I’m often perplexed as to why I am not richer/ more celebrated, but that’s another post).

Irritatingly, I fear this year I may need to buy a new bikini, which on my list of ‘fun things to do’ comes a little lower than ‘hoovering my bedroom floor’ and slightly above ‘carrying heavy things’. I really, really hate to carry heavy things. If I do a big grocery shop I borrow the trolley, to the apoplectic embarrassment of my housemates, who then make me do a solitary walk of shame back to Waitrose to return it.

Interestingly, when one of my housemates first moved in she asked, earnestly, if ‘There was someone from Waitrose who was sent out to collect all the trollies every evening, like a trolley fairy.’ I have therefore spent many hours writing polite letters to Waitrose, asking if they would like to make such a position available. So far, nothing, but something as magical as ‘the trolley fairy’ will naturally take some time to become realized.

Anyway, this Summer I need a new bikini. This is mostly because earlier this year I vacuum-packed all of my Summer clothes, and I’ve lost the thing that releases them from their terribly squashed existence. It occurs to me now that I may, in fact, need an entire Summer wardrobe- luckily, I have a spare Waitrose trolley hanging about, so getting the stuff home will be no problem at all. And I’m putting the endless wrenching one has to do with a Waitrose trolley, to avoid colliding with other pavement users, towards my ‘bikini body’. Though with the expected advent of the trolley fairy, I’ll have to think of something new for next year…