Why will no-one feed me?

I have two weddings to attend this Summer, and I could not be more excited. As a child, I was a bridesmaid 5 times. (This was not, despite what my little sister is keen to tell people, because ‘even at such a young age we knew she was going to be a spinster’, but rather because I was a well-behaved and charming-looking child), so I consider myself somewhat of a wedding expert.

Weddings are brilliant because everyone is in such a good mood. Also, there’s loads of free food. (Everyone always mentions the open bar, but you quickly realize that it is a lot harder to get people to feed you than to buy you a drink). Let me explain.

Last Sunday I was terribly hungover, but I bravely staggered out of bed and up to Islington. We were meant to be going for a walk along the canal, but luckily we went to the pub instead. (When I say ‘luckily’, I’m being modest. I simply stomped my feet until we stopped walking and went into the nearest pub). ‘What would you like?’ My friend asked. ‘Hmm,’ I said. ‘Let me come with you and see.’ Standing at the bar I noticed that they were selling mac and cheese. Mac and cheese happens to be my all-time favourite carb. (For more all-time favourites, please check out my new weekly magazine, ‘Things that Lucy really really likes’, available verbally from me, whenever I see you).

‘I’ll have some mac and cheese please,’ I said to my friend, who looked at me frowningly. ‘I offered to buy you a drink,’ She replied firmly. ‘Not lunch’.

This is not the first time this has happened to me. A few years ago, I was in a nightclub in Paris, and a gentleman approached me at the bar. (This was a different gentleman to the one who approached me in Paris a few weekends ago, a very dashing 70-something man who was wearing a cravat and sitting at the bar alone, and whose thigh I accidentally leant on when I tried to extricate myself from our conversation).

‘What would you like?’ This other French gentleman asked me. ‘Hmm,’ I replied, scanning the bar. ‘I would like some pringles please. The green ones.’

Oddly, this pleasant request did not result in me getting my crisps, just as politely asking for my mac and cheese saw me with a diet coke and a frowning friend. Which is why I am more excited than ever for the start of wedding season: a celebration of true happiness and joy, marked by free food.

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