My Mother has recently asked me if I want to take part in a Gorilla Run- a 7km Fun Run done whilst wearing a gorilla suit.
There are several things wrong with this. The first is that my Mother is the type of woman who swims with her hair never ever touching the water, and her very expensive sunglasses firmly in place. She once got off a transatlantic flight and went straight to her beauticians. She is not the type of lady who would like to run about wearing a gorilla suit.
Looking more carefully at the Gorilla Run website, I noticed that it was a Fun Run in aid of conserving mountain gorillas, a species ‘on the verge of extinction’. I do not wish to paint my Mother in an unflattering light, but as a person whose hatred of animals has no bounds, I fear she may in fact be on the side of extinction.
I looked once again at the email my Mother had sent me and my siblings: ‘Anyone want to do this?’ it asks. I fear that this is in fact some sort of test, and sadly both me and my sister, thrilled at the idea of ‘a gorilla suit of your own which you get to keep’, have certainly failed.
In other news, if you see any lone, disorientated Gorillas running about London, please ignore Zoo warnings and Do Feed The Animals. (I’m pretty sure this is the end of popping over to Mum’s for home-cooked meals and free toothpaste).