We have a new guest in our flat- a large stuffed toy Angry Bird, which my little sister won at Legoland.
It is only the very foolish amongst you who believe that stuffed toys are for children. Here are some of the ways that Angry Birdy (we wanted him to feel at home, so have given him this affectionate nickname) has improved our lives:
1. Sick of the wretched and soul-destroying mechanized bleep of your alarm? Wake up instead to the exhilarating bounce of Angry Birdy as he hits you on the head in the morning, thrown from the doorway of your bedroom by your helpful roommate. You can tell instantly how angry he is that day by the force with which he is hurled at your sleeping body.
2. Forgotten to do your laundry? Angry Birdy is the perfect pillow. (I am not suggesting that you should put your actual pillow into the washing machine, but do you know how gross it is not to change your pillow case regularly? Having watched several people sleeping, I can tell you for a fact how disgusting the human face is when asleep. Wash that shit immediately).
3. Suffer from a fear of confrontation? I personally do not, but have found endless mileage in holding Angry Birdy in front of my face whilst hammering on the toilet door, yelling at my little sister, ‘You won’t like me when I’m angry’, then using him as a shield when she chucks a toilet roll at me.
4. Don’t like sitting next to strangers on the tube? Simply plop Angry Birdy down on the seat next to you. Trust me, everyone will give you a very wide berth indeed. (Be sure to whisper to Angry Birdy at frequent intervals to reassure him that ‘It’s not his fault. The people are just worried about bird flu’).
5. Quickly identify which of your friends need to be pruned from the garden of friendship by simply introducing them to Angry Birdy:
a) ‘Why do you have a soft toy?’ (puzzled look, concerned expression) PRUNE
b) ‘What an awesome Angry Bird toy!’ (begins to hurl Angry Birdy around pretending he is flying) KEEP
c) ‘A real-life birdy!’ (Tries to feed toy) PRUNE AND SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION