Confusing loos and other hatreds

Can we meet at 9.30pm?’ I asked my friend. ‘Because I’m going climbing this evening.’ My friend sent me back a rather disheartening list of instructions: Climbing?!? Don’t fall off/ get stuck/ develop vertigo/ tie yourself into a knot/ make someone else fall off/ cry.

Which raised all sorts of horrible possibilities that I had certainly never seen encountered by any of the shirtless men rock climbing in the Sure adverts.

I carefully packed some shorts and a wife-beater (I got burned last week whilst wearing a wife-beater so now its the only sleeveless top I can wear), and emailed my little sister to let her know I was ready.

‘What are you wearing?’ She replied. ‘Imagine the guy in the Sure advert? Only with a wife-beater.’ My little sister emailed back quickly. ‘You know it’s an outside wall, right? You’re going to be perishing.’

In a rough list of things I hate, being cold comes 3rd:

1. When the toilets have impenetrable signs denoting ‘ladies’ or ‘gents’.

2. Fritzl
3. Being cold
4. Accidentally gulping vodka from your bedside glass after a night out. (This could be misconstrued. I wake up, hungover to hell, assume it’s water, and am unpleasantly surprised to find out it is not. No, I haven’t learnt yet).
5.This kid I was at uni with. He has literally no idea of my consistent and burning hatred for him, which I think makes the time I spend thinking evil about him all the more worthwhile and necessary.

I didn’t go climbing, and instead my little sister and I watched ‘This is 40’, the new Judd Apatow movie. Which has helped me to add number 6 to my list of hatred: women in their 40s who look better than me. Still, I’m sure all this upcoming rock-climbing will change that.

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