There’s something wrong with your face

There’s something wrong with your face,’ My little sister said to me at the beginning of the week. Usually, I would have ignored her, but last week my Grandmother asked why I was ‘giving her that funny look’, when all i was doing was looking at her with my eyes open, like a normal, polite sort of human being, so it hit a little harder than normal. You can tell a lot about a person from how their face looks in repose, so it has become clear to me that this is something I need to work on.

Having spent some time in front of the mirror, I have come to the following conclusions:

1. It is almost impossible to look in the mirror and truly see yourself, hindered as you are by your well-honed and automatic ‘mirror face’.

2. Looking at one’s face in repose is a frightening and unpleasant experience. Personally, most of my face seems to be taken up with an enormous forehead, though I spend much of my time frowning, which does help to reduce this (And yes, Mother, encourages wrinkles. My Mother is a one-woman mission to make me feel old. Yesterday she asked if people had started thinking of me as an old maid yet. I pointed out that I was in my twenties. ‘Your late twenties,’ She replied sadly. ‘And all alone.’)

3. Using a cotton bud dipped in sunscreen is not the most effective way to remove eye make-up.

4. My sister tells me constantly to ‘work on my googly eyes’, but I actually think my eyes are perfectly normal, if a little dilated (No, I have no idea why this is. I assume because my pupils are taking advantage of the brief moments when I am awake by taking in as much light as possible. This may be a family trait, because my little sister breathes as though she’s trying to suck as much oxygen out of the air as possible- in a sort of noisy slurping fashion. It’s deeply off-putting. My eye thing is much more elegant).

Anyway, it’s not my eyes that are weird, it’s my eyebrows. But seeing as I’m mildly afraid of my eyebrow woman, I don’t see this changing anytime soon. I did experiment with an eyebrow covering fringe, but I couldn’t see anything, so that was no good.

5. If you can truly tell what a person is like by looking at their face, it may be time for me to start wearing a very low-slung baseball cap. Which would handily give both the illusion of youth (I’ve seen that Justin Bieber) and save me a great deal of money on cotton buds and eyebrow shaping.

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