Celebrity Savvy

I’m in the shower at my sister’s flat. I’m meant to be there, by the way. I’m visiting her for the weekend, not re-creating the secret track at the end of Alanis Morissette’s ‘Jagged Little Pill’.

(I think quite possibly I have spent more time listening to ‘Jagged Little Pill’ than is strictly necessary. It was the first CD I ever bought with my own, hard-saved pocket money. I can still accurately tell you the tracklist, along with my thoughts on what her inspiration for each song was. I don’t like to boast, but 12 year old me and Alanis were pretty connected). I once bumped into Alanis Morissette. I mean that literally. I was wearing my pajama bottoms, and I had noticed that they were dragging on the pavement. So I was looking down to hoik them up, and I bumped into a small lady. I apologized, and looked up. It was Alanis Morissette. (It is scarcely a coincidence that Alanis’ next video featured her walking the streets naked. I had basically thrust how inconvenient clothes are into her face).

Alanis Morissette is not the only celebrity I have been close to. I was in American Apparel with a great friend, wandering around and wondering who on earth was skinny enough to wear that much lycra, when I saw Dannii Minogue. I could not believe it. I pointed her out subtly to my friend. My friend politely asked me to lower my voice and stop pointing.

‘She’s going into the changing room!’ I shouted at my friend. ‘That’s nice,’ my friend whispered. ‘I’m going in,’ I declared firmly. I rushed away before my friend could stop me, threw open the curtains of the changing room next to Danni’s, and took off all my clothes. ‘Look!’ I shouted at my friend. ‘Me and Dannii Minogue are naked together! This is great!’

I re-clothed and emerged from the changing room. I found my friend hiding oddly round the other side of the store. ‘Don’t worry,’ I told her encouragingly. ‘Not everyone can be as celebrity-savvy as me. Did I tell you about the time Alanis Morissette used me as her muse?’