Tag Archives: changing rooms

No need to be naked

This morning, I had a meeting with Nike. Initially, I misread the email, so thought the meeting was from 8.30-10pm. i had been told I could bring a guest, and, unable to find anyone decent who wanted to be awake at such a hideously early hour, I invited my Mother.

As it turns out, it was less of a ‘meeting’, and more of a ‘Train to Run’ class, with an ‘Nike Master Trainer’. This was annoying for several reasons, the first being that I had to stop laughing at my Mother for turning up in running kit.

The class was a Women’s only training group.

I personally can think of few more competitive, judgemental situations a person can put themselves in. Luckily, I had brought my Mother. We had a perfectly splendid time, falling over in the balance drills, yelling in the strength portion, laughing while we failed to understand the partner training bit.

By the end of the hour, we had achieved the perfect ‘instantaneous-move-from-lounging-to-doing-the-proper-exercise-because-the-coach-was-approaching’ manoeuvre, and were feeling tremendously proud of ourselves.

‘Quick,’ I whispered to my Mother. ‘There’s going to be a rush on the showers.’ In a burst of speed unseen in the actual running class, we dashed from the studio to the changing rooms.

I grabbed my towel, my Mother grabbed someone else’s washbag, and we hopped into the showers. ‘This is not my washbag,’ My Mother called out to me. ‘I know,’ I replied, slathering myself with the fancy free shampoo attached to the wall. ‘I thought you were upgrading.’ Apparently she was not, so she hopped back out of the shower and returned with her own toiletries. (I personally feel that everyone uses far too many toiletries. There is only one thing you need in a shower. Shampoo. It is the all-purpose washer. Think of it as the ketchup of washing. It goes on everything).

Due to my Mother’s unusual approach to other people’s possessions, I had plenty of time, bored, fully-dressed, in the female changing room. Here are my observations:

1. No-one is able to look elegant when trying to remove their knickers whilst holding a towel around their waist. It is the most ungainly and attention-drawing position of all poses, despite the forced nonchalance of the performer’s face.

2. There are women who, if I looked like them naked, I would never ever bother to clothe myself, but instead occasionally, Anna Karenina like, drape the odd fur across my exquisite body if I felt chilly, yet are bizarrely shy in public changing rooms. (Naturally, as they hid in the corners and tried to change without an ounce of skin being on show, I sought to put them at ease by staring at them and smiling broadly).

3. I am all for body-confidence. However, there simply is no need to lovingly blow-dry one’s hair stark naked. it is almost impossible for the women who are sharing your mirror to apply their eye-liner in a straight line.

4. Not enough women, despite my continued, bullying efforts, are wearing matching underwear. I am considering spot checks on the tube in the morning. I am pretty sure Boris will back me.

5. My Mother takes forever to get showered and dressed. I am not sure if this is because she is tall, or because she is old. Either way, I had very much outstayed my ‘casual observer’ position by the time we left the changing room. I hope you all enjoy these insights, because I’m not sure I’ll be in a position to make any more anytime soon.


Gil took us through drills from Nike Training Club’s new running specific classes. These specialised drills will be available for all runners free through the Nike Training Club app and Live classes around the UK –

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Celebrity Savvy

I’m in the shower at my sister’s flat. I’m meant to be there, by the way. I’m visiting her for the weekend, not re-creating the secret track at the end of Alanis Morissette’s ‘Jagged Little Pill’.

(I think quite possibly I have spent more time listening to ‘Jagged Little Pill’ than is strictly necessary. It was the first CD I ever bought with my own, hard-saved pocket money. I can still accurately tell you the tracklist, along with my thoughts on what her inspiration for each song was. I don’t like to boast, but 12 year old me and Alanis were pretty connected). I once bumped into Alanis Morissette. I mean that literally. I was wearing my pajama bottoms, and I had noticed that they were dragging on the pavement. So I was looking down to hoik them up, and I bumped into a small lady. I apologized, and looked up. It was Alanis Morissette. (It is scarcely a coincidence that Alanis’ next video featured her walking the streets naked. I had basically thrust how inconvenient clothes are into her face).

Alanis Morissette is not the only celebrity I have been close to. I was in American Apparel with a great friend, wandering around and wondering who on earth was skinny enough to wear that much lycra, when I saw Dannii Minogue. I could not believe it. I pointed her out subtly to my friend. My friend politely asked me to lower my voice and stop pointing.

‘She’s going into the changing room!’ I shouted at my friend. ‘That’s nice,’ my friend whispered. ‘I’m going in,’ I declared firmly. I rushed away before my friend could stop me, threw open the curtains of the changing room next to Danni’s, and took off all my clothes. ‘Look!’ I shouted at my friend. ‘Me and Dannii Minogue are naked together! This is great!’

I re-clothed and emerged from the changing room. I found my friend hiding oddly round the other side of the store. ‘Don’t worry,’ I told her encouragingly. ‘Not everyone can be as celebrity-savvy as me. Did I tell you about the time Alanis Morissette used me as her muse?’

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