I’m becoming a therapist

‘People are leaving their stuff in storage for longer than ever.’ (I stole that sentence, and all its punchy impact, from the BBC website). The BBC is perplexed. ‘Why are people paying to store stuff they rarely use?’ They even have a psychologist offering his insights:

“Oliver James, psychologist and author of Affluenza, says that the self-storage phenomenon can be explained by consumerism’s effect on how we view ourselves.”

I don’t mean to be rude, but I know a psychologist, and she’s nice enough, but I don’t think I would ask her for any great insights into why people do things. (Someone has pointed out to me that in fact, that is exactly what therapy is). What an awesome racket.

I might become a therapist. One of those old-school ones, where my patients have to lie down and not look at me. Because I’ll be quietly watching TV behind them, and occasionally murmuring something soothing. Perhaps I will have a sofa to lie down on too. I will tell my patient that this is because I do not like to stand on ceremony. If they laugh at my excellent pun, I will give them a small discount. Not a big one though, as I plan on being a very rich therapist. In fact, I don’t think I will give them a discount. I will smile at them though. Which is pretty much priceless. Until I get my toothpaste advert commission. I will get this from one of my patients, naturally. I will protest that I do not want to leave the world of therapists, but will quietly accept that by raising my profile (and personal wealth) I will merely be in a position to help more people.

(I know it is unlikely I will be filming this exact advert, but I hope for something similar)

I will enjoy filming my toothpaste advert immensely, mostly because of the excellent tables filled with free food. The producer will smile knowingly when I make the same gag about needing to ‘test the toothpaste’ all day. I will diagnose him with anxiety and suggest he comes to see me and lie on my sofa. I will encourage him to bring some excellent free food.

My client roster will grow exponentially after my toothpaste advert launches. (I will start calling my crazy patients ‘clients’ to encourage them to recommend me to their equally crazy friends). I imagine it won’t take long til the BBC are ringing to ask me to explain why ‘people are brushing their teeth exclusively with toothpaste’. They will be perplexed. Fear not, I will help them. I will be a therapist. I will have enormous insight:

“New psychologist and face of Colgate says that the toothpaste phenomenon can be explained by consumerism’s effect on how we view ourselves.”

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