I want to be alone

I can’t work out how to use emoticons, so in moments where nothing else will do, I tend to put a ‘0’ at the end of my text. I assume people realise this is because the ‘0’ looks like a mouth open in amazement. It is therefore the perfect, low-effort emoticon. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only person sensible enough to notice this. I fear recipients of my artfully constructed texts are missing out on vital expressions of shock and horror. Then again, perhaps they have seen the zen-like simplicity of my unique emoticons and felt rebuked for their own excessive use of ‘traditional’ emoticons. It is hard to tell.

I had some time on Tuesday because buying my trainers was much easier than expected. (I don’t want to boast, but I have a perfectly neutral gait. This is similar, in running shops, to being a celebrity. In that all the staff stare at you and try to act cool. And you can get cheaper stuff than everyone else. Though not free. I mean, a neutral gait is highly impressive, but it’s not a leaked sex tape or a stint in CBB). I was walking distance from where I was meeting my friends for drinks, so I decided to head over there early. I strolled (in a orthopedically superlative fashion) up to Sketch.

The lady at Sketch told me that I should go through the dark curtains. I was understandably concerned, but figured that if things got messy I could slip on my new trainers and race out of there. (Hoping, obviously, that my perfectly neutral gait didn’t attract more attention than normal. I just want to have a private life, you know? I wish they’d all stop hounding me).

So there I was, at Sketch, alone. I decided that this was either excessively cool or tremendously not. I texted a friend to ask. He was resoundingly certain that it was not cool in the slightest. I sent him back a shocked 0. I’m not sure if that really furthered my cause. I thought about mentioning that I had my perfectly neutral new trainers with me. But I didn’t want to seem boastful. It can be hard, as an emoticon trend-setter with the perfect gait. Sometimes I just need a little time to myself.

The beautiful staff bought me over a drink. And with the drink was a napkin with a telephone number on it. I was shocked. I had tried so hard to maintain my anonymity. I looked at the napkin more closely. The number was printed on. It was part of the napkin design. 0.

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