Aquaholics (and other afflictions)

Nigella Lawson has been ‘told repeatedly by doctors not to drink so much water’. Apparently, she ‘openly admits to being an aquaholic’. Well, it’s about time. Now that Betty Ford has gone, we need another troubled public figure to openly battle their addictions. (I am assuming aquaholic is a euphemism, and what Nigella really can’t get enough of is drinking ‘grown-up water’ whilst engaging in  ‘grown-up’ watersports). Anyway, I thought I’d help clarify a few things.

1. You are NOT a chocoholic. Unless you are a character in a poorly written chick-lit novel, with a pastel cover that has a quote from ‘Homes and Gardens’ declaiming how ‘charming and refreshing’ you are. Eating chocolate does not make you adorably naughty yet eminently marriageable. I’m sorry.

2. You are NOT super-sensitive. You are wet. Stop it, it’s infuriating for the rest of us.

3. You do NOT have a poor immune system. You have a cold. You seem to always have a cold because you moan about said cold so much that all your friends have stopped talking to you, and you’ve only got yourself to talk to. And yourself only wants to talk about her cold. Yes, it is that boring.

4. You are NOT ‘laid back’. You can’t be something just by saying it (apart from annoying). Laid back people don’t describe themselves as laid back. They don’t need to. It’s like a fish saying ‘I’m really good at swimming’.

5. I know some people probably do have food allergies, and whatnot. (I believe in late onset food allergies in the same way I believe in ‘my friend’ stories- there’s some truth in there, somewhere, but it is NOT POSSIBLE that every person I know has ‘some friend’ who has had sex with a horse and died when it came inside her). So to be frank, I don’t really believe in your food allergy, and would prefer if you never mentioned it. If you ‘can’t’ eat something because of your ‘allergy’, make up an amusing anecdote about ‘your friend’ who once ate a slice of toast and then woke up in a bath of ice with her kidney removed. It’s far more believable.

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