Things I don’t want to do

I’m always being offered the chance to do things I don’t want to do. ‘Win the chance to design your own jewellery!’ ‘Make your own fashion line!’ ‘Be a star in the newest MTV show!’ Number one, just because you put an exclamation point! at the end of your sentence! doesn’t make it exciting! Number two, WHY would I want to design my own jewellery?! One of the best things about being a grown-up is that I can BUY things I once made. So now, I can eat pasta shells rather than stringing them around my neck. I can go to restaurants, and order real life food, rather than putting those plastic lamb chops and fried egg onto my plate. (The people who make that plastic food are evil geniuses- nothing that is inedible should look so tasty). I mean, obviously I was fed as a child, but dinner parties were far and few between.

My gym is up to this too. ‘Bring a friend and get a free pair of sports socks!’ I don’t want to bring my ‘friend’ to the gym. My ‘friend’ will assume that I think she is fat. It could be irredeemable. It has genuinely gotten to the point that I am afeared when I spot an exclamation point.

The worst culprit, of course, is the supermarket. ‘Buy one get one free!’ Fantastic. Now all I have to eat is 600g of baby spinach, and no space in my fridge for the milk.


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