There’s a Jessie J song (I don’t even care that you’re judging- I like anyone who stutters when introducing herself. I mean, it’s your own name. It’s really something you could probably remember quite easily. It takes a certain amount of self-obsession to act as though saying your own name is so thrilling it causes you to stammer) where she states: ‘I’m not a saint, no, not at all/ But what I did, that wasn’t cool.’ (I really need to change the songs on my iPod. I’ve also started quoting NWA. There are surprisingly few times when this is appropriate). Anyway, J-J-Jessie J has got me to thinking. These are some bad things I have done (when I say ‘have done’, I mean consistently and willfully do. In the present. Possibly to you):
1. Eavesdropped. I love it. It’s one of the main reasons I take public transport (oh, and being poor). I have learnt more from listening to strangers (and at times interjecting helpfully- people love that) than from any edition of Cosmopolitan magazine. (I’m assuming Cosmo is an educational tome based on its didactic sounding articles- ‘BE BETTER AT SEX AND EAT MORE DOUGHNUTS AND LOSE ALL YOUR BODY FAT’)
2. Used your toothbrush. Actually, I’m not sure I own my own toothbrush. Sometimes I just stick yours in my mouth and leave your house, whistling nonchalantly.
3. Pretended I didn’t notice the dishwasher was clean. This is a classic. I have probably saved 4 or 5 days this year alone by licking my spoon and putting it back in the drawer rather than emptying the dishwasher.
4. Licking my spoon and putting it back in the drawer.
On the plus side, I make a mean cocktail, am discrete when I kick your dog, know hundreds of rap lyrics and always notice when you’ve lost weight. (If only to distract you while I steal your toothbrush).