I don’t want to boast, but I’m good at lots of things. I can make very nice scrambled eggs (the key is to whisk them briskly in the bowl first, and have a much hotter pan than you think), I can usually get a least two more servings of toothpaste out at the very end of the tube, I can read really fast (no, honestly. It’s very annoying when I’m reading the Metro over someone’s shoulder and they take so long to turn the page). I also have an encyclopaedic knowledge of celebrity relationships. What I’m really saying is that I’m doing ok. I mean sometimes when I’m reading a book I like to put my finger under the words, but that’s just sensible. There are lots of words on the page! (Yes, I read very important, serious books. There are no pictures). I actually think grown-ups are much too quick to dismiss the skills they learnt in Prep school. Only an idiot would stop sewing name-tapes into their jumpers. Nightclub cloakrooms are treacherous places. You need all the back-up you can get. The money I’ve saved by putting my gloves on string is impressive. Also, I look very suave when I have to take off a glove to send a text. I must admit, this cool nonchalance whilst multitasking (wearing glove and using phone) does not come naturally to me. I hate multitasking. I have learnt, however, some key rules:
1. Do not eat near water. I’m not talking about a dinner in the Gaucho overlooking the river, I’m talking about eating a sandwich in the bath. Or having a snack bar in the sauna. No good. I’ve tried several times, and can say with some certainty that it is unwise.
2. Do not paint your toenails whilst placing your foot on a magazine. You know, to protect the carpet. There is something oddly compelling about magazines. Even if you’ve read them before. They’re just so shiny. Anyway, there’s a time to learn about this year’s must-have clutch purse, and a time to paint your toenails. These are not the same times.
3. Do not have phone calls whilst watching tv. For a start, everyone can tell. It’s the 3 second pause before you react to what they’re saying. Also, I recently found myself accidentally ‘borrowing’ from the movie plot when my caller asked what I’d been up to. Seeing as I was watching ‘Blade’, it was not entirely convincing.