1. Dukan diet:
For those who like to suffer.
Here are some of their FAQs (frequently asked questions, which means lots of people are asking this. It isn’t a poor solitary person):
‘Since I have been on this diet I have the tendency of being constipated. What can I do?’
‘Since I am on the diet, I have some difficulty in falling asleep’
‘Are we allowed to eat any type of mustard and how much?’
OK. When people are pitifully keen to eat excessive amounts of mustard, you know it’s time to find a different diet. Luckily, they have all those extra hours when other people are sleeping to consume this mustard, and no wasted time with those pesky bowel movements. As the diet that keeps on giving, Dukan also comes with a common ‘induction flu’. Don’t worry, it’s not really a flu. It’s just the body adjusting to the diet. Please pay no mind to the headache, nasuea, lethargy and other flu-like symtoms. Just eat your mustard and stay awake.
(Is going to always be sat next to Harry at big family events)
2. South Beach diet:
For those who like moral clarity.
The South Beach’s central tenets are to divide all of the food in the world into ‘good’ vs ‘bad’. Brilliant. It’s the Star Wars diet. I have to admit, I was so taken with the idea of making morally pejorative judgments about food that I didn’t bother to find out what food was ‘good’ or ‘bad’. I have therefore used my own trusty moral compass:
Good: meatballs, pick ‘n’ mix, those chocolate cakes that are still runny in the middle, red peppers
Bad: olives, mushrooms, twix, overdone scrambled eggs
(She’s pointing at the ‘bad’ food)
3. The Evolution diet:
For the neanderthal.
‘Exercise and sleep when your body tells you to’. I’m sold. The premise for this diet is that we would all be much slimmer if we emulated our cavemen ancestors. Well, let me tell you this: if I followed this diet, I would be the first caveman to be killed off. And probably not even by a bear. Probably I would just be happily sleeping in my cave (because my body told me to) and a fellow caveman would mistake me for a soft pile of animal skins and lie down on me. Unfortunately, because I had only been exercising when ‘my body told me to’, I would be too weak to shift him and would suffocate.
(I just thought this would be nice to look at)