Tag Archives: weddings

My six-pack is in the mail

My little brother used to tell us, earnestly, that his ‘six pack was on its way’, until my sister pointed out that a six pack was not really something one could order in the post, but irritatingly had to be worked on personally. Far from chastening him, this seemed only to encourage my little brother, who spoke so often that holiday about his ‘soon-to-be-arriving six pack’ that my sister and I began making snide comments about the demise of Royal Mail.

It seems, sadly, that I have fallen into the same trap, because, feeling far from at my fighting weight after an outstandingly good wedding last weekend, this morning was the 3rd time I attempted to get through my flatmate’s DVD of Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred. Jillian Michaels, for those of you who spend less time reading trashy magazines and avidly following the fortunes of complete strangers, is the personal trainer most famously seen yelling at morbidly obese Americans on ‘The Biggest Loser’.

Her 30 Day Shred DVD promises that ‘in no time you’ll have a lean shredded body’.

Hugely impressed by this pervasive use of ‘shred’, I shoved the DVD into our PSP (yes, not for us your fancy DVD and Blu-Ray players), pushed all of the sofas back against the wall and got ready for my six pack.

 Sadly, I was unable to complete the DVD workout. This was not, despite what my little sister and flatmate were keen to imply, because I found it ‘far too tricky’. Jillian Michaels may be ‘America’s Toughest Personal Trainer’ (in recent days I have become mildly obsessed with Jillian Michaels- aged 12 she was 5’2” and 175 pounds, and suffered ‘verbal abuse’ from her classmates), but she is also one of their most irritating.

Wondering if I was alone in finding her too unpalatable to complete her 20 minute workout, I typed ‘Is Jilian Michaels’ into Google, only to have it autocomplete with ‘married’. Which, I suppose, is fairly apt. 

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Why will no-one feed me?

I have two weddings to attend this Summer, and I could not be more excited. As a child, I was a bridesmaid 5 times. (This was not, despite what my little sister is keen to tell people, because ‘even at such a young age we knew she was going to be a spinster’, but rather because I was a well-behaved and charming-looking child), so I consider myself somewhat of a wedding expert.

Weddings are brilliant because everyone is in such a good mood. Also, there’s loads of free food. (Everyone always mentions the open bar, but you quickly realize that it is a lot harder to get people to feed you than to buy you a drink). Let me explain.

Last Sunday I was terribly hungover, but I bravely staggered out of bed and up to Islington. We were meant to be going for a walk along the canal, but luckily we went to the pub instead. (When I say ‘luckily’, I’m being modest. I simply stomped my feet until we stopped walking and went into the nearest pub). ‘What would you like?’ My friend asked. ‘Hmm,’ I said. ‘Let me come with you and see.’ Standing at the bar I noticed that they were selling mac and cheese. Mac and cheese happens to be my all-time favourite carb. (For more all-time favourites, please check out my new weekly magazine, ‘Things that Lucy really really likes’, available verbally from me, whenever I see you).

‘I’ll have some mac and cheese please,’ I said to my friend, who looked at me frowningly. ‘I offered to buy you a drink,’ She replied firmly. ‘Not lunch’.

This is not the first time this has happened to me. A few years ago, I was in a nightclub in Paris, and a gentleman approached me at the bar. (This was a different gentleman to the one who approached me in Paris a few weekends ago, a very dashing 70-something man who was wearing a cravat and sitting at the bar alone, and whose thigh I accidentally leant on when I tried to extricate myself from our conversation).

‘What would you like?’ This other French gentleman asked me. ‘Hmm,’ I replied, scanning the bar. ‘I would like some pringles please. The green ones.’

Oddly, this pleasant request did not result in me getting my crisps, just as politely asking for my mac and cheese saw me with a diet coke and a frowning friend. Which is why I am more excited than ever for the start of wedding season: a celebration of true happiness and joy, marked by free food.

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