Tag Archives: listening.

September 12, 2013 · 11:18 am

Stop moaning about Winter

Yesterday marked the first day that British women put on their black tights.
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It is officially the end of Summer. (I have absolutely no time for people who use calendars, or ‘official days’ to decide when the seasons start and finish. I cannot live my life by these wildly speculative and changeable measures. I am a very consistent and practical person.)*
 
At a dinner last night with various other, black-tighted ladies, I overheard several people complaining about Winter’s arrival. I was able to listen closely to their conversation, whilst maintaining my own, because I have recently realised that ‘being a good listener’ just involves not speaking when someone else is talking, and leaves one completely free to otherwise engage with the rest of the room/ your internal monologue.
 
Frowning vaguely in the direction of the person I was ‘listening’ to, I eavesdopped intently on their grumbling. ‘I can’t believe Summer’s over,’ One of them said angrily. ‘And now what will we do?’ Leaving aside my friend’s inability to perform even basic forecasting, I never quite understand people’s fury that Summer ends.
 
Summer is not like Ryan Gosling, where every moment is a magical, wonderous joy-ride.
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Summer is the first man you ever dumped- unpredictable, unreliable and, despite all its good points, not ‘the one’.
 
Which is why, when Summer finally stops taunting us, stringing us along with its feckless promises of sunshine and happiness, we should welcome Winter with open arms. Winter is the best boyfriend you ever had. It is comforting and reliable and stays with you for ages. It lets you wear huge jumpers and get fat and never makes you go out. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, because it’s early days, but Winter may just be ‘the one’.
 
Which is precisely what I would have said last night, if I hadn’t been distracted by the growing ladder in my black tights. ‘Ah well,’ I remarked loudly to my dinner companion. ‘There are always some snags in the beginning.’ Which he was somewhat suprised by, because apparently he had been talking about Putin.
 
 

*In entirely unrelated news, I have a set of kettlebells that need to go to a good home*

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March 21, 2013 · 11:48 am

Telling tales (and how to be less boring)

‘I don’t know anyone in a successful relationship who met post-uni,’ My friend announced. ‘What about Chelsea Handler and Andre Balazs?’ I replied. (I’ve been watching endless reruns of Chelsea’s late-night chat show. I highly recommend it, she’s a hoot).

‘Um,’ My friend replied. ‘I meant in our friendship group.’ Putting aside my deeply-held belief that, seeing as I spend so much quality time with her, Chelsea Handler pretty much is in my friendship group, I tried to think about people i know in real life. Usually, I would fact-check this with my therapist, but I recently had a dream where she left me stranded with a baby, so I’m still pretty cross with her thoughtlessness about that.

I quickly realised that I probably do not listen quite as well as I could, when it occurred to me that I had very little idea when most of my friends met their boyfriends. Or, in some cases, who their boyfriends were. (That, I would like to add, is not entirely my fault. There’s a pretty quick turnover in some cases). However, as a caring and diligent friend*, I resolved to change this. Here are some helpful tips on how to make your stories less boring:

1. People have a lot going on- toilet trips, eating, staying awake, breathing etc, so remember that your anecdotes are competing with all those things, and keep them brief.

2. I personally am a huge fan of props.

3. An excellently sneaky way of getting people to listen is to substitute your actual name with the names of celebrities: So there Eddie Redmayne was, wondering why his flatmate had failed to replace the loo roll- I mean, Ryan Gosling had just left the empty roll on the holder! Who does that?

4. Some people believe that conversations follow some kind of order- that one person says something, the other responds, and so on. If you adhere to this you will simply never get to tell your great story about the time you got TWO dairy milks from the vending machine. Simply shout out.

5. If all else fails, become the type of person who listens appreciatively to other people’s stories- this has the added benefit of turning you into what I have heard described as ‘the ideal girlfriend’.**

*Factually inaccurate.*

**Under no circumstances should you do this. Continue to tell outrageously inappropriate stories, interrupt hugely and generally exist as a fully-formed sentient being.**

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January 16, 2013 · 11:33 am

Getting to know you: your way sucks

There are lots of different ways to get to know a person. Spending time with them, asking them questions, listening to their responses. Obviously all these methods take time and effort, and are therefore fairly rubbish- because what if this new person, who is busy taking up all of your precious time answering your pertinent questions and showing you the type of person they are, turns out to be terrible? What a waste. Here are some excellent ways to get to know somebody:

1. Look at their bedsheets.

If there are brown, beige or bobbly, you do not want to be friends with this person. Either they are that rare and irritating creature who thinks sleep is ‘overrated’, or they are that much more common, and equally irritating human- someone with no taste.

2. Bombard them with movie quotes.

If they do not react, or seem puzzled, do not become friends with them*. No matter how interesting a person is, one day you will run out of things to say to them. It is imperative that you are able to sit in silence and watch a movie.

3. Do they have a pet? Does their pet look like them? No.

4. Have they planned the music which is to be played at their funeral? There is really no point being friends with someone who clearly has no long-term goals or future plans. Ditch them now, before you get too involved.

5. If you can’t imagine what their face looks like, blotchy and disgusting, while they smear snot across their poor chapped under-nose bit, you cannot be friends with them. No adult human will survive the length of a friendship without getting a fearsome, repellant cold. If you do not wish to be there, nodding sympathetically whilst they run out of tissues and start using the kitchen towel, walk away now.

6. Do they laugh at this?

*There is obviously a caveat here for those who grew up in places which don’t really have cinemas, like New Zealand.*

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