Getting to know you: your way sucks

There are lots of different ways to get to know a person. Spending time with them, asking them questions, listening to their responses. Obviously all these methods take time and effort, and are therefore fairly rubbish- because what if this new person, who is busy taking up all of your precious time answering your pertinent questions and showing you the type of person they are, turns out to be terrible? What a waste. Here are some excellent ways to get to know somebody:

1. Look at their bedsheets.

If there are brown, beige or bobbly, you do not want to be friends with this person. Either they are that rare and irritating creature who thinks sleep is ‘overrated’, or they are that much more common, and equally irritating human- someone with no taste.

2. Bombard them with movie quotes.

If they do not react, or seem puzzled, do not become friends with them*. No matter how interesting a person is, one day you will run out of things to say to them. It is imperative that you are able to sit in silence and watch a movie.

3. Do they have a pet? Does their pet look like them? No.

4. Have they planned the music which is to be played at their funeral? There is really no point being friends with someone who clearly has no long-term goals or future plans. Ditch them now, before you get too involved.

5. If you can’t imagine what their face looks like, blotchy and disgusting, while they smear snot across their poor chapped under-nose bit, you cannot be friends with them. No adult human will survive the length of a friendship without getting a fearsome, repellant cold. If you do not wish to be there, nodding sympathetically whilst they run out of tissues and start using the kitchen towel, walk away now.

6. Do they laugh at this?

*There is obviously a caveat here for those who grew up in places which don’t really have cinemas, like New Zealand.*

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