I’m a very private person

No good deed goes unpunished, and yesterday I helped my flatmate buy t-shirts online, which means that every single part of the internet is insistently trying to sell me mid-range* menswear today.

I have a working knowledge of internet algorithms, so I understand why they think that all human people, having bought the thing they need, now only want to buy that thing, in infinitesimal variations, for the rest of their life. (To be fair, this logic does hold for a very few things that a human needs – like toilet paper. In some ways I like the assumed austerity of the internet’s thought processes. It’s not all about teenage vine stars and ‘liking’ horrific animal rights abuse photos, guys. The internet is also here to encourage you to repeat order your toothpaste).

Parts of the internet, however, I am less well disposed towards. For instance, amazon now asks me, every single time I purchase something (and they’ve recently dramatically increased their prime membership, so to get them back I’m buying even more from them) if I want to ‘share my purchase on FB, twitter or by email’. Amazon! Half the reason anyone buys things on you is because they’re embarrassed to get them from real people in real life. (The other half is laziness).

Why on earth would I want people to know that I bought a copy of the bible (My old one was falling apart, from over-use) or a guide to charitable giving (I just wanted to make sure I was tax-efficient, so I could give even more) or an extremely expensive birthday present for my little sister? I simply can’t see any place in my life for such egregious self-aggrandizement.

Screen Shot 2015-07-30 at 11.52.10

*This sounds more revealing than I meant it to. I just meant t-shirts that are more expensive than produced by child labour, and less expensive than YOU COULD BUY AN ENTIRE WARDROBE FOR THAT HOW BIG IS THIS T-SHIRT ANYWAY

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