Beauty is for idiots

I’m peeling. I always peel, because I never moisturize my forearms, which are the only part of me that is tanned after a holiday. ‘You should moisturize,’ my little sister pointed out helpfully. ‘Older skin loses moisture.’ Silencing my little sister with the type of look commonly deployed by women of my age (well-I have seen it used to great effect by the Lady Dowager in Downton),

I looked about my room for some moisturizer. I do have moisturizer, of course. I dutifully slather SPF about my face and neck (and sometimes my towel, depending on how much I have shaken out) every time I shower, and I have some possibly stolen or potentially gifted-to-me Eve Lom, which I dab about my eyes when I feel particularly hungover. What I do not have, it became rapidly apparent, is body moisturizer. I do not have body moisturizer because I firmly believe that the beauty market is a con. I do not believe that human skin, which can stretch to accommodate another human baby growing inside a previously normal-sized person, and keep your internal organs from getting wet every time you shower, has simply forgotten to moisturize.

Moisturising, now I think about it, is only the very tip of the iceberg. (Beauty manufacturers are very comfortable with icebergs, as this is where they get most of the water for their products. That, and those pockets of water found on Mars. I mean, they’ve never explicitly said as much, but I assume it is implied in the pricing of their products).

 Here are the 3 things you no longer need to do:

1. Exfoliate. (The human body is a self-regulating system which has developed and adapted over millions of years. I like the Body Shop as much as anyone, but there’s scant chance they’re smarter than evolution).

2. Tone. (I have no real idea what this is, but people tell me it’s something to do with pores. Until we all start greeting each other with magnifying glasses, I think you’re safe).

3. Moisturize. (I know, but I’m not certain you lot are listening).


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