How to get what you want

‘I’ve decided that I’m going to be better at naming my files,’ I texted my little sister. ‘I’ve already named the one I’m doing with the new naming convention. It’s incredibly satisfying.’ ‘I’m in NY,’ my little sister texted back. ‘And even over here I can tell how boring you have become.’

Ignoring my little sister’s unattractive jealousy, I spent several minutes yesterday staring with pleasure at my new, organized word document. (In the future, of course, there will be documentS, but I only created a single article yesterday, so it’s currently alone in My Documents, bravely explaining to the other, haphazardly titled old documents what the future holds).

Seeing how much pleasure this elegantly-named file gave me, I looked around for other opportunities for nomenclature. ‘Have you watered my plants?’ my little sister texted. ‘I’m looking for new nomenclature opportunities,’ I texted back. ‘I’ll see if I can change my flights and get home a bit earlier,’ she replied.

Panicking in case my sister returned from NY before I could really, you know, ‘get things in order’, I realized that I should have made better use of the rare pleasure of having the flat completely to myself. (Our flatmate has popped over to Holland, where he seems to be doing precisely what he does at home- sleeping endlessly and eating as though he was on a commission-based contract with our microwave).

Time was of the essence, so my plan to carefully swap several of my own, broken possessions, for my sister’s identical, yet still functioning ones had to be curtailed. (Aged 7 and 5 years, we were given matching child-size teddy bears for Christmas. I thoughtfully gave my bear a haircut. I then quietly swapped my alopecia-bear for my sister’s glossy one. It was the perfect crime).

‘I don’t have time,’ I thought to myself, panicked. ‘I’ve wasted it all creating elegant naming conventions and graceful taxonomies.’

Which is when I realized exactly what I needed to do. ‘When are you home?’ I texted them both. And then I simply spent all of yesterday putting my name onto all of their things.

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