My friend, sweetly, refers to sex as ‘romantic time’. Which, after I had referred her to a therapist to deal with her repression issues, meant I was thinking about romance. ‘I don’t have time for romance,’ I told her later that day. She looked at me blankly, possibly because we had been discussing the humorous possibilities implicit in the opening of George W Bush’s library.
‘I don’t mean I don’t have time for romance like I don’t have time for whining children, or people who act like it’s no big deal when you break their shoe pretending to be a person from the past who has never seen a shoe, and is examining it closely, but then go about telling everyone that Lucy is a terrible actress and prolific shoe-breaker. I mean I geuninely, literally do not have time for romance.’ My friend, now a little more on board, nodded slowly. ‘I agree,’ She replied. ‘Being romantic is hard. But I think you can fit it in.’
‘Fit it in?’ I spluttered in horror, forcing myself to ignore the blindingly funny double-entendre and carry on with the conversation like a grown-up. ‘I just don’t have the space. Honestly, between cleaning my teeth, and dressing myself, and putting things away, and washing…’
‘Well,’ My friend responded sagely. ‘You just have to multi-task. Take a shower together, for instance.’
‘Two people in a shower is the worst idea ever,’ I responded staunchly. ‘For a start, once person is always out of the water, and therefore freezing. For seconds, I never get to wash my hair properly, because the other person complains about shampoo being flicked into their eyes (I really value clean hair, and believe that flipping one’s head upside down and pouring shampoo onto the underside of your head will help ensure the shampoo is able to penetrate every strand). Thirdly, there just is no way my breasts are that dirty. What about my armpits? Next time I share a shower with someone I’m going to go in with both my arms raised above my head. That should ensure I am properly washed.’
My friend stared at me. ‘Yes,’ She replied finally. ‘That should certainly lead to some excellent romantic time.’