F.U.R.B. (and all those little things)

I’ve had One Direction’s ‘Little Things’ stuck inside my head since Saturday. To be more specific, I have spent the last 3 days hearing, ‘You can’t go to sleep/ Without a cup of tea’ while I try to shower, eat and generally exist. I, personally, can think of nothing worse than being forced to drink a cup of tea before bed- any comfort gained from the hot liquid would quickly be undone by the subsequent slog to re-brush your teeth and myriad of nighttime trips to the loo.

But I would, on reflection, quite like to have a song written about me. Last year (or maybe it was the year before, I’m not young enough to be certain I’m hearing songs when they come out, and not years later, on Magic FM or the like), it was all about ‘Delilah’. ‘Hey There Delilah’ was the song you simply couldn’t avoid- and some over-eager magazine intern, not realizing that no-one likes a junior who makes everyone else look bad, tracked down the eponymous Delilah to ask how she felt about the whole thing.

Apparently, she had met the singer once, and was now ‘haunted’ by the song ‘in the gym, in my car, in the mall’. (Kudos for getting the gym in there, real-life Delilah; now we can all rest assured that you are skinny enough to merit a song being written about you).

Before that, Eamon released a track entitled, ‘Fuck It (I don’t want you back)’, which, all things considered, was a rather ungentlemanly response to a break-up.

Luckily, Frankee swiftly responded with F.U.R.B. (Fuck You Right Back), a searing indictment of their time together, which included the puzzling line ‘Your sex was whack’. Having given the matter some thought, I believe that the sex was ‘bad’, not that his genitalia was somehow misaligned.

Obviously, when thinking about having a song written about me, I imagine it to be more ‘Lady in Red’ and less, ‘You’re so Vain’, but I think what truly appeals is the idea of the absolute mundanity of my life being shoved into peoples’ ears; the thought that they, too, will be ‘haunted’ by the catchy revelation that ‘If she drinks tea/ She will later need to wee’. After all, it would only be fair, given the hours I have dedicated to wondering what the One Direction girl does when she’s camping, or on an overnight flight, or even staying in a house where the kitchen is several floors below her bedroom.

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