‘Are you good in bed?’ I asked my friend recently. ‘I’ve never had any complaints,’ She replied. Which may be the most stupid thing I have ever heard her say. Including the time she asked me if we could use our Oyster cards on a National Rail train to Cambridge. I imagine the people who issue complaints after sexual experiences are part of a very small, much-hated group of people, who I like to refer to as ‘the make-a-fussers’.
Here is a quick guide to spotting a ‘make-a-fusser’:
1. You are in the hairdressers. The hairdressing assistant, who is carefully washing someone else’s hair (along with facials, getting another human to wash certain parts of your body is really just unacceptably lazy), asks, as a matter of course, ‘If the water is alright?’ ‘No,’ The make-a-fusser replies, before launching into an incomprehensibly vague description of what her perfect water temperature is.
2. Anyone who orders dressing ‘on the side’. Basic physics ascertains that anything served to you will come with ‘a side’- because as humans we do not put all of the individual components of our meals onto separate plates. Asking for dressing, which is an integral part of the salad, to be placed ‘on the side’ is precisely as sensible as asking for the skins to be placed ‘on the side’ of your chips.
3. People who ask other people to turn their headphones down on public transport. What are you, American? We do not talk to other people on the tube.
4. People who ask taxi drivers to change the radio station.
5. Anyone who changes tables in a restaurant more than once. They are tables. One really isn’t going to be that much better than another. There are several things you can choose in a restaurant- your dinner companions, your drinks, your food, what you tip etc. Surely that is enough? Stop playing musical chairs, you’re ruining it for the rest of us.