I called my Grandparents last week. They weren’t in, so I left them a little voicemail. ‘Hello!’ I began cheerily. ‘It is me, the favourite. I am calling just to chat. Feel free to call me back, if you would like to chat to me. I know you are probably desperate to hear from me.’ I hung up feeling terribly virtuous, and continued to potter about, doing the myriad of vitally important things which make up my day.
The next day, my Grandparents still had not returned my call. To understand the significance of this, let me quickly tell you a few things about my Grandparents:
1. My Grandfather is ex-RAF. We get to the airport, even for flights to Manchester, 4 hours before departure. Quite simply, my Grandfather is the most organized man you will ever meet. I can tell you already where we are holidaying as a family in 2015. My Grandfather would never ever forget to return a phone call.
2. My Grandparents are retired. Yet my Grandfather gets up, unfailingly, at 6.30am. He has endless amounts of time to return my phone calls.
3. My Grandmother likes to ‘subtly’ boast to the other Grandmothers about her grandchildren. Here is an example of my Grandmother’s subtleness: ‘Hello! Yes, I would like some milk for my tea please. Did I tell you one of my grandchildren is a doctor? Yes, it is impressive. No sugar, thanks.’ The possibility of getting more gloating fodder from our phone call would be impossible for my Grandmother to resist.
It is now a week after the fact, and my Grandparents still have not returned my phone call. Assuming the worst, I went to talk to my little sister about this.
‘The grandparents haven’t returned my call,’ I began. ‘I don’t want to tempt fate, but do you think they don’t like me any more?’ My little sister looked at me for a second, musing on the gravity of the situation. ‘I spoke to Grandpa yesterday,’ She informed me smugly. ‘I think they don’t like you anymore.’
I returned to my desk to begin firing off a suitably wheedling and passive-aggressive email to my Grandparents. Typing in their email address I noticed an unread email from them: ‘Lucy! We are off gallivanting and spending all your inheritance! Thanks for the call, absolutely no time whatsoever to return it. Much Love.’
In unrelated news, I am currently looking for someone who is available in the middle of the day for meandering, pointless conversations. If they could think everything I do and say is quite marvelous, that would also be very much appreciated.