I have been invited to a weekly exercise class. I would like to go, but obviously I cannot go alone. So I am looking for a new friend. They must meet very specific requirements.
1. They must always be free on Thursday evenings, from 7.30-10pm. If I am not free, they still need to be.
2. They must be enthusiastic and motivating but not grating. ‘Shall we bother going to this outdoor exercise class?’ I will ask. ‘Well, we might as well,’ They will reply. ‘I’ll make us bacon baps when we return.’
3. They should be good, but not better than me, at sport.
(I am intensely motivated by beating people who are slightly worse than me. Conversely, I am entirely disheartened by those who are much better than me at things, and give up instantly. It’s really the only thing that’s preventing me from competing in the Olympics).
4. They should be easily impressed. If they are easily impressed by women in neon Nike kit, so much the better.
5. They must have a very good sense of direction, and the ability to locate the exercise class- which, as far as I know, takes place on Hampstead Heath.