I re-write books for you

I was born in the 80s, and two of my Mother’s books that I remember most clearly from that period are:

‘How to get a flat stomach in 14 days’

and

‘Feel the Fear- and do it anyway’.

My Mother will now be furiously denying that she ever owned any such books. But she did. If you give me a moment, I can tell you a little something about their covers. (Precisely what you would imagine, only with more embarrassing photos. And jagged, ‘you can do it!’ font).

(At 7 years old, I was pretty much their target audience)

Anyway, once I had finished reading all the baby books (I can tell you three different ways to breastfeed twins simultaneously) I started reading these books. They were incredibly boring. It was almost as if the authors had spent all their time and energy on the title, and had run out of steam before they began writing the actual book. (Other examples of this: ‘Pooh gets stuck’ and ‘Finding the joy in Alzheimer’s’).

So I have decided to write these books myself. Also, my Mother has a rabid fascination with giving things away, so the original books are long gone. OK,

‘How to get a flat stomach in 14 days’:

Days 1-12: live normally.
Day 13: eat nothing.
Day 14: flat stomach

‘Feel the Fear-and do it anyway’:

Absolutely idiotic. Fear is one of the few things that separates us from lemmings. I have no idea what the ‘it’ that you want to do is, but stop it. (Although, if you are the kind of person who buys a book titled ‘Feel the Fear-and do it anyway’, I’m pretty certain the ‘it’ isn’t that exciting). You strike me as the type of person who ‘seeks medical advice’ before going on a step-machine. Or turns off your phone before you board a plane. Or washes grapes before eating them.

Which happily leads me to my next book:

‘How to stop wasting time’:

Don’t wash fruit.

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1 Comment

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One response to “I re-write books for you

  1. Joe

    Genius.

    PS How do you simultaneously breast-feed twins? Don’t tell me everything. Just your favourite.

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