I flew back from NY yesterday, which sounds terribly glamorous. Unfortunately I went straight from the airport to my Mother’s office, because in a moment of weakness (and poverty) I agreed to cover for her PA.
I arrived at my desk at 9.30am, to be greeted by a note from my Mother. ‘Welcome! Much work for you. Please do. Will be in at 11ish.’ I was not precisely sure what to do, so I pottered around the office showing everyone the excellent salt n pepper shakers I had purloined from Virgin Atlantic. 11am came and went, and I was still having a lovely time. At 11.45 my telephone rang imperiously. ‘Hello,’ My Mother shouted cheerily. ‘Please come up to my office. I have arrived.’
(My Mother believes she is so sylph-like that it is imperative she announces her presence at every occasion, to save being over-looked. I would like to point out that my Mother is enormously tall, wears absurdly bright colours and shouts a lot. It would be easier to over-look a rat running across your face while you slept.
The rat-thing has actually happened to my little sister, who prefers us not to bring it up. Naturally, I try to mention it as often as possible).
‘Hello Mother,’ I said politely as I entered her office. ‘Something has happened to your hair.’ ‘Oh darling,’ My Mother replied. ‘I have just been to see my hair chap. (My Mother’s life is littered with ‘chaps’, all of whom perform various tasks most normal people do for themselves). She proceeded to offload work onto me, metaphorically and physically (‘No darling, it really would be much easier if you took all of the files at once. Can you not pile them higher then just feel your way down the stairs?’).
I need a new job. Ideally, I need my Mother’s job, but she seems to be pretty firmly ensconced, so I’m looking elsewhere. In fact, tomorrow I will be looking all day, at the WIE symposium. (For those of you sadly out of the loop, this is the Women Inspiration and Enterprise symposium, taking place in celebration of International Women’s Day).
I expect the stellar line-up, who are there to ‘equip women with the tools and confidence to succeed’, and who include Jo Malone, Kathy Lette and June Sarpong will be completely prepared to pass their impressive, well-paid jobs to me. In fact I notice that they will be launching the WIE Mentorship Scheme- I would be the perfect candidate for this. (I would like to run it, naturally).
For tickets: www.wienetwork.org. But don’t come if you want to steal my job.