In which it is oddly dark

It’s very dark in my room, which is unusual because I rarely bother to close the shutters on my Velux window. (There are several reasons for this. Firstly, I am terribly lazy. Secondly, I like to know as soon as I wake up what the weather is like. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to being a farmer. Once when I was a child I was taken to stay on a farm, but I had a harrowing experience egg-collecting and asked to never return).

It takes me a few seconds to realise that my stolen-from-an-airplane eye mask is still in place. This is also unusual, because I am not a particularly still sleeper. (Most mornings I wake up with my sheet on the floor, stroking the pleasant softness of my mattress protector, my face wedged between my pillow and my wall. I was once asked to babysit for my baby cousin, and I noticed that she slept in an identical fashion.

I was reassured until my Aunt pointed out that babies sleep like this because it reminds them of the safety of the womb. I don’t want my Mother to get ideas above her station). I removed my eye mask and surveyed my room. (I would like to quickly clarify that I didn’t spend the whole night creepily watching my baby cousin sleep. I just popped in every hour or so. They keep changing the advice on cot death prevention, so this just seemed easiest).

It seems it is dark in my room because it is 5 am. I am not quite sure what to do. I sit up and think about how productive I’m going to be today. I’ve just been given 5 extra hours! I could re-organise my wardrobe! (I think my cleaner is doing this unasked though, because last week she told me I had ‘too many knickers’ and explained that she had ‘divided’ them. I’m still not sure what criteria she used for this separation, or where most of my knickers are). I could learn the phonetic alphabet! (My little sister infuriatingly already knows this, and never misses an opportunity to tell me so. I personally prefer to book restaurants telling people, ‘it’s K, as in knife’. My dream is to marry a chap whose surname begins with P, so I can say, ‘it’s P, as in pharmacy’).

I couldn’t really think of many other things that would take a whole 5 hours to do, so I popped to the loo. (I’m sure some people would realise here that they could organise their bathroom, but I only have one thing in my shower- shampoo. It’s all-purpose. Don’t let the toiletries industry dupe you). I returned to my bedroom to think of more chores I could complete before the rest of the world woke up. I sent a few texts to people asking if they were awake. They did not reply. I was bored. I could have read my book, but it was very dark in my room. (My bedside light is broken, I have to get out of bed to turn on the overhead light). I closed my eyes briefly to concentrate on the very best use of my extra hours. It came to me almost instantly, and I quickly wedged my face between my pillow and my wall.

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