The soundtrack to my life has changed and it’s a nightmare. (I’ve never quite recovered from watching ‘The Truman Show’. I know the theme tune is chosen by the producers, but I feel that I would have some directorial input into the background music. Though pretty much everytime I was in the shower it would have to be ‘I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair’. From ‘South Pacific’. Which is, as part of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s oeuvre, one of the 5 movies I can recite every line to. This is luckily not at all annoying for the other people watching the film with me).
The great thing about being in my very own ‘The Truman Show’ is that the casting director would be so happy with me. I would have been picked at random, and could have grown up into a terribly dull protagonist. Luckily, avid viewers of my show would instead be taken on a daily rollercoaster ride of wit and frolics, interspersed with helpful nuggets of information. For instance, for lunch I made a hamburger. (I have deliberately chosen a terribly mundane task to exemplify my comedic and educational reach). The background music was ‘The Tears of a Clown’, so already there was an extra layer of emotional depth not usually seen with slightly undercooked meat patties. (I once listened to a radio documentary on blind people who like to cook. They never listen to music while cooking, so I play music at bellowing levels to remind myself how lucky it is I can see. This is just one of the life-affirming insights my viewers are exposed to).
While my burger was happily cooking, I sliced a tomato, explaining that the test for a sharp knife is if it can pierce the skin of a tomato under its own weight.
I cut my finger. This is another good test for the sharpness of knives, though slightly messier. Being unable to speak further, what with my bleeding finger inside my mouth (I don’t have any plasters. Though if a guest hurts themselves whilst visiting I do perform an elaborate house-wide search, before returning ‘bewildered’ about where they have ‘disappeared to’), my voiceover chap had to take over. My voiceover chap is James Earl Jones. (My show is extremely profitable. I have tried not to let it affect my everyday life though, and generously let my friends pay for things). So far, everything was just as it ought to be. Except just when James Earl Jones started somberly declaring that my hamburger was ready, the music changed. And now for the rest of the day I’m wandering around with ‘duh na na na na inspector gadget’ playing inside my head. Because obviously I can’t use someone else’s theme tune on air. Like I said, this is a nightmare.