Me, James Cracknell and my financial services

My little sister has stolen my bike helmet, so I go to the bike shop. I wheel my bike in, accidentally taking out a small child on her new bike as I enter. ‘Be careful!’ I say helpfully as she falls off. A concerned bike-shop employee has run over to us. I seize my moment. ‘Hello!’ I say cheerily. ‘I need a bike helmet. Oh, and there’s something wrong with my brakes.’ The bike-shop chap looks at me with growing alarm. ‘OK, I’ll just pop over and look at the helmets, and leave you with my bike,’ I tell him. I wander over to look at the helmets. ‘Excuse me,’ I say to the chap standing next to me, ‘Could you explain why these all have different prices?’ Unfortunately, the chap standing next to me doesn’t actually work for the bike shop. I do not let this deter me. ‘Is it like car seats for children?’ I ask. ‘I don’t actually have any children, by the way.’ (I’m not 100% sure why I felt the need to say this, but I think the gentleman was pleased to be informed. Certainly it gave him something to ponder as he walked to another part of the shop). ‘The thing about car seats,’ I say to myself, ‘Is that surely they are all safety checked before they are allowed to be sold. So really, it makes sense to buy the cheapest one.’ I am immensely pleased with my thoughtful reasoning. I wonder if I should hire myself out as a financial advisor to new parents. I decide to pop into Companies House once I have left the bike shop. ‘Just thinking about what to call my financial advisory services,’ I call out to the gentleman who doesn’t work at the bike shop. He smiles worriedly. I wonder if perhaps he himself is a financial advisor, and resolve to register my company name as quickly as possible. I pick up the cheapest helmet, and walk to the desk. ‘I’d like to buy this please,’ I say. ‘Who is it for?’ The sales chap asks me. I am affronted. ‘Well, it’s for me. I did use to have a helmet, of course, but my little sister stole it. Then I watched the James Cracknell YouTube video of him talking about his bike crash and remembered I needed to get a new one. I also have some questions about that video.’ The sales chap interrupts me before I can ask my questions. ‘Um, this is a child’s helmet,’ he explains. ‘Oh,’ I reply. ‘Is that an absolute rule? Or would I be able to fit my head into it? Because last week I bought a Nike boys t-shirt and it fits fine. Though perhaps that’s because of the rising levels of childhood obesity. What do you think?’ The sales chap stares at me. ‘I’m afraid you really do need to buy an adult-sized helmet,’ he tells me. ‘OK,’ I say reluctantly. ‘But only because I do really need to get to Companies House. In fact, do you have a little sat-nav for my bike? I’m not certain where Companies House is.’ I leave the bike shop several hundreds of pounds poorer. I’m well on my way to becoming a very successful financial advisor. I wonder if James Cracknell would like to do a YouTube video for my new company. ‘Be safe, but also don’t be poor’, he could say in it. Whilst wearing a bike helmet, of course.

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