I just popped out to a gym class pleasantly titled ‘bodysculpt’. I spent most of my walk there day-dreaming about the exquisite sculptures one can find at Musee Rodin. I did not, unfortunately, spend any time reading the class description, which read ‘prepare for the Summer with this intense workout. Kat will work you hard!’ In Jumanji, the kid’s hot accompanier tells Robin Williams, ‘a little rain never hurt anyone’. Robin wisely replies, ‘but a lot will kill you!’ From now on, whenever anyone informs me that ‘a little hard work never hurt anyone’, I will remember Kat’s class. What I’m saying, really, is that I now plan on reducing my work levels in all areas of my life. This will be fantastic, as I will have lots of extra time. Here’s what I plan on doing:
1. Writing a diary. This will be great, because all my past diaries have yielded invaluable gems such as ‘if no-one notices you are not talking to them, write a note WITH YOUR LEFT HAND and then they will know and be upset’. I really am a criminal mastermind. I’m very surprised I’m not richer, to be honest.
2. Reclaiming all the hair elastics people have stolen from me over the last 20 years. (I have a list).
3. Starting a collection. I spent most of my childhood deciding I was going to collect things. In fact, at one point I had 3 Beanie Babies (which I was reliably informed was going to provide the deposit on my first house- as long as I kept the tags on them, of course), 5 beer mats (all the same, but I imagine there is a huge underground market where people swap slightly damp beer mats) and an ENORMOUS sticker album.
4. Auditioning for a role as ‘hot accompanier’. I have reluctantly accepted that my Macaulay Culkin moment may have passed (though not without endless posturing in family plays. Which I wrote, starred and directed. I was basically Ralph Fiennes), but I feel pretty certain that I am now in a prime position to wander around a movie set, killing time until the gruffly handsome lead realises that even though I’m wearing GLASSES I am absolutely SMOKING.