I carry this for luck

I had to go to a funeral yesterday, which is on my list of top ten things I do not like to do. Other things on that list include emptying the dishwasher, eating mushrooms, working on the weekend and watching other people’s children in plays. (I mean, obviously if the children in question are Dakota Fanning or that little girl from ‘Little Miss Sunshine’, I can make an exception. This has never happened. The closest I’ve ever come to a talented child was when a neighbour’s little girl was asked to audition for the role of Hermione. She didn’t get it.)

Anyway, I thought today I’d talk about ways I’ve made my life far more dreamy. (Yesterday is a bad example, but usually I manage to wheedle my way out of things on my ‘top ten things I do not like to do’ list). Let me explain:

1. Obviously, I was impeccably brought up. So pretty much whatever you serve me (yes, I have real-life people in mind), I will eat. Except mushrooms. I can’t. I’m sorry. There’s got to be a limit to what people put in their mouths. I believe in fact, that’s exactly what Emily Pankhurst died for.

2. Sometimes, people ask you to do things. Often, these things are not fun. It is best in these circumstances to nod gravely, sigh, and walk away. (If you are in an enclosed space- for instance, the London Eye, it is best to place your finger on your lips and ssssh the other person. You must not desist ssssshing until they have given up. You can tell they have given up when their eyes roll back in their heads and they stop breathing. No wait, maybe that’s death. Desist before then. But not much).

3. At all events, bring a hipflask. (Do not fret-hipflasks fall within the requirements for hand-luggage on international flights). Do not share. If caught, assume wide-eyed innocence and choke down as much alcohol as possible before presenting hipflask as ’empty good luck charm’.