Impenetrable sayings

Here are two things I don’t like (so if we ever meet, you can avoid annoying me. Hopefully this will reduce some of the stress of meeting your idol):

1. ‘Read my lips’. I don’t know why people say that. It’s mildly offensive to the deaf, for a start. Also, I’m terribly bad at lip-reading. My childhood was plagued by people mouthing ‘I love you’ at me, me getting terribly excited, and them dissolving into laughter and screaming ‘I was saying elephant juice!’ Crushing.

2. ‘A blessing in disguise’. Any blessings I receive I certainly do not want to be disguised. I want them to be flagrant and ostentatious.Let me give you an example of  a blessing in disguise. You’re crossing the road and cut your foot open on a rock. You stop to deal with the nauesating flow of blood and narrowly miss being hit by a car. Fantastic. Now you can hobble around for a couple of weeks telling everyone it’s a ‘blessing in disguise’. A blessing out of disguise, by contrast, involves you crossing the same road safely and finding £20 on the other side. And a red lolly.