I will fix-it

1. I am disappointed with the Summer tv schedule. I would like to see a tv show where you try to knock toddlers down by throwing beach balls at them. It could be called Tip the Toddler.

2. Deciphering those ‘Captcha’ things (where you have to prove you’re not a robot by writing oddly put together letters) has become dreadfully difficult. I would prefer if you had to complete a well-known quote. Different sites could have varying quote difficulty levels to attract only worthy visitors. So, for PerezHilton.com, you’d be shown: I’m addicted want to jam inside your ………’, and for The New York Times you’d get: ‘Her voice was ever soft, gentle and low/ An excellent thing in a ……..’.

3. Sometimes at the gym I see women walking around whose bodies look like those in the adverts. I would like these people to be placed in a separate changing area. Separate but Equal. Except obviously ours would have to be bigger, and better equipped. Because there would be more of us. And we eat more.

In other news, I’m annoyed at the parcity of relevant ‘yo mama’ jokes. It would be absurd for me to say to my friends, “yo mama’s so ugly when I took her to the zoo, they said, ‘thanks for bringing her back'”. It would be far more cutting if I said, ‘yo mama’s so stupid she got her botox before a chemical peel.’ Or, “yo mama’s so uncouth she addressed Princess Anne as ‘Your Majesty’.”

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