Neither a lender nor a borrower be

My little sister is staying with me. I went to bed at 7pm last night (a precise blend of jetlag and laziness) and so this morning I had some extra time to talk to her. Mostly what we spoke about was how in 1 day she had broken my washing machine, and why she thought it best to drape my sopping clothes all over my flat. I then asked her several times what she had eaten for dinner (latent food envy) and told her that she could only use the shower between 7.44 and 7.48 as I had a strict morning schedule. Some time after my own shower I found myself in her room, once again pursuing the washing machine incident, and absentmindedly began to use her roll-on deodorant. I noticed after I had deodorised one armpit, but decided to do the other one too. This brought me to thinking about the things we lend to other people, and how annoying sharing is. (Conversely, borrowing is brilliant). Here are some things that annoy me regularly:

1. People not letting me use their deodorant. Or looking disgusted when I do. Do you understand how deodorant works? It removes sweat through those little men that also fight plaque. It is totally hygienic.

2. People asking to borrow hairbands. It’s not borrowing, it’s stealing. No-one in my entire life has ever returned a hairband to me. “Do you have a spare hairband I could borrow?” “No.” “But I can see one on your wrist. And your hair’s already tied up.” “No. That’s a tattoo.” “You got a  3D tattoo of a hairband on your wrist?” “Yes.”

3. People expecting me to remember a million pieces of cleaning items wherever I go. And then getting annoyed when I use their toothbrush. And their shower gel. And their make-up wipes (this is partially their fault for having such an unwieldily mascara).

4. People talking to me when I’m looking at something. It is a mark of genius to only use one sense at a time.

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