I don’t drink coffee, (I know, how incurably odd) but I am still a huge fan of coffee adverts. Well, not those ones where the camera zooms in lovingly on the individual beans and all you see is a disembodied hand rifling through them, but those adverts which are inevitably set in Italy or Spain, and feature endless sunlight and beautiful bronzed models. Where they wake up and are sharing the same set of pajamas. I don’t care about the coffee- I just want to enter this wonderful world where no-one steals all the duvet or rolls onto your side snoring. Although there’s no way in hell I’m letting someone else wear my pajama bottoms. If I think about it carefully, it’s a bold move to still be buying full pajama suits. I mean, obviously the coffee boyfriend gets away with it because he’s only ever seen wearing the bottom half, but he did still buy the whole suit. Where did he even go to buy it? Did he ask his accountant for recommendations? Did he explain carefully to the salesguy that the jacket was always going to be casually slung, adorably over-sized, on his slender girlfriend? Or do you think when the camera’s not rolling he makes her fend for herself and buttons up cozily? I’m concerned. There’s something faintly alarming about a person who wants to wear a pajama suit to bed. It’s all very Mark Darcy. That’s probably why they don’t tussle with the duvet. He initially measures out an equal allocation of duvet coverage and then sleeps perfectly still. (I find people who sleep still highly disquieting. I’m always peering over them to check they’re still alive. They find this disquieting). I suppose what I’m trying to say is there’s something fishy about the coffee boyfriend. And that it’s hard to trust a man who still buys full pajama suits. If I were coffee girlfriend those pajama suits would be the first thing to go. Obviously I wouldn’t make the poor chap sit around drinking coffee naked though (that’d be a whole different type of advert). May I suggest the following:
The Gap, £12.99
They have fishes on them! You could buy blue bedsheets and pretend to be swimming in the sea! You don’t even need to go away. You’re getting a beach holiday for £12.99.
Paul Smith, £46
I don’t even care that these are nearly fifty pounds. They will in fact pay for themselves in all the Christmas/ Elf themed adventures you are sure to have whilst wearing them. Who can put a price on joy?
Ralph Lauren, £100
There are two things I like about this dressing gown. One, the uncompromising arrogance of the model wearing it. “I came to the board meeting in my dressing gown? Of course I did. Idiot.” Two, the excessively large Polo insignia. Who needs to be branded in their dressing gown? I love it.
Ps. I know where the coffee boyfriend gets his pajama suits. Derek Rose, prices starting from £135. It’s exactly what you’d imagine.