Hidden danger

It’s only Tuesday, and these are the things that have hurt me already:

1. Took a post bank-holiday gym class. On arriving, all seemed to bode well: lots of women, a trainer who didn’t look as though he was about to bulge out of his skin, no weights in sight. I obviously should have been friendlier and spoken to the other women, who turned out to have been shipped in from a remote Russian training camp. The trainer’s muscle mass turned out to be wholly irrelevant as all he did was skip up and down shouting at us. And by ‘us’ I mean me. Anyway, we didn’t even need weights. We used our own body mass. How convenient. And not at all heavy.

2. In the changing room, feeling smug for doing said gym class, only to be ruthlessly stabbed in the finger by my tweezers.

3. All the showers except one were taken (cleanliness is next to godliness) s0 I popped into that one. Then popped out, because no matter how I turned the temperature dial all I could find was scaldingly hot water. At pressure. On me. Had to hang around nonchalantly outside other people’s showers til they emerged. To be greeted by me. Luckily I was so pink from my earlier broiling that I looked as if I were wearing a fuchsia bodysuit. There might be a market for that: the naked bodysuit. For women with nothing to hide. It’s about time someone re-imagined the Emperor’s New Suit. I need to talk to Lady Gaga. If only she’d taken that gym class. We could have bonded while the others mocked us in Russian. I bet she would have gotten a song out of it. She would probably have wanted me to star in it. I could have worn my naked bodysuit.

4. Another thing I’d like to be dragged into the 21st century is the lunch. I’m not talking about ‘breadless sandwiches’ or any of that foolishness. What I’m talking about is something cheap (less than a pound), enticing (like a steak on a bed of asparagus drizzled with béarnaise) and healthy (so you can eat it smugly in the office). It also needs to keep you full for the endless post-lunch hours. So far the only thing that really fulfills all my requirements is a pack of smarties wrapped in cocaine. You’d have to steal the cocaine, obviously.

6. Just to finish- Paris Hilton is releasing a new album.


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