Apparently, there’s a shortage of limes.
I know this because Buzzfeed has given me a list of 40 ‘lime replacement recipes’, to help me through this trying time. I didn’t read the article, because I was too busy taking a quiz to determine what role I would play if a zombie apocalypse occurred that transformed all living humans into TV characters. (Answer: Joan from Mad Men’s pointed stares, Olivia Pope’s wardrobe and the sex appeal of Shane from The L word. Combined with the magical abilities of the aunts in Sabrina, the teenage witch, one of whom I saw introduce herself on a late-night US comedy show as ‘stupidly famous, if you’re 10 years old’.
I have longed to introduce myself like this ever since.)* I know that Buzzfeed is wildly successful, but I still can’t quite get my head around a website that believes its readers can only understand things if they are presented through the filter of popular TV shows.
I did, however, realize that the probable cause of this lime shortage is my little sister, who has bought so many limes that the top shelf of our fridge is now covered in salad bags. (She placed the hundreds of limes in the drawer at the bottom of the fridge, more commonly known as the salad drawer, so I have put all my salad bags at the top of the fridge, in protest).
My little sister has yet to comment on this dastardly retaliation, but this reticence could be attributable to a number of causes, the most obvious being that my little sister views our shared fridge as a halfway home for food, offering them temporary shelter between Waitrose and the bin.
In a bid to counteract this process, which I object to on financial, moral and irritation grounds (I realize that ‘irritation’ perhaps doesn’t carry the same principled weight as the first two, but it is, in fact, just as pernicious), I accompanied my little sister on a recent trip to Waitrose. I watched in amazement as she shopped without a list, a budget or a correct and proper order of going up and down the aisles.
‘What’s your game plan?’ I asked, bewildered. ‘I just see what looks good,’ she replied. ‘And then I buy it.’ She would have said more, but was distracted at this moment by a papaya.
I continue to regularly throw away my little sister’s forgotten and mouldy food, although she has pointed out that some of the things she buys ‘just look like that’. (This was after the great passion fruit debate of last week).
I haven’t found a solution to this ongoing fiasco, but I am in the process of drafting a new Buzzfeed article, blaming the lime shortage on my little sister. I can only imagine the quiz options that are sure to follow. I can’t wait to discover what ‘suitable form of punishment’ I should administer. Whilst dressed as a character from The Game of Thrones, naturally.
*I made this quiz up, but I think it’s pretty accurate.