My Mother is having a Christmas party. ‘It’s Russian themed,’ I told my +1. ‘Don’t come as a sexy cat.’
There are some things one shouldn’t have to tell other people. Unfortunately, it seems that other people don’t realise this. While I waited for my friend to decide on their outfit, I made this helpful guide to things you really should already know.
1. It is not appropriate to attend any party, Halloween parties included, as a sexy cat.
Sexy cat is the costume choice of the ill-informed and unimaginative. It is the lowest common denominator of costumes. It would be simpler to draw a fraction on your face, circle the denominator and go to the party like that.
2. No matter how engrossing and interesting your conversation is, when a person is on the loo, do not continue talking to them. Only two words ever need to be said to someone who is on the loo. These are: ‘Toilet paper?’
3. When you enter someone’s home for the first time, you need to say something. Preferably something positive, but if that’s not possible, an enthusiastic statement of fact is useful: ‘You have a kitchen!’ or ‘Carpet!’. Do not, as my new cleaner did, scrumple up your face into a picture of dismay, and say nothing. It is deeply insulting. Particularly as I was asking her what she thought of my new coat.
4. Compliment people on their new coats.
I would have written a 5th point, but at this point my friend got back to me. ‘Oh, no problem,’ ‘Russian themed?’ my friend replied cheerfully. ‘I’ll come as a sexy bear.’