How to be rich

I wanted my little sister to pay half of some flat improvements. ‘It seems awfully expensive,’ She said. ‘I’ve just spent more money than that on a winter coat,’ I pointed out. My little sister looked at me in horror. ‘Why?’ She asked. ‘I’m not entirely sure,’ I replied. ‘I think I got confused and thought I was rich.’ 

I am not rich, so my little sister suggested that I might return the coat. Unfortunately, I threw out the coat receipt during my frantic weekly bid to tidy everything before the cleaner arrives. ‘It will be fine,’ I told my sister reassuringly. ‘I’ll make savings elsewhere.’ It is surprisingly easy to save money. Here are some tips:

1. Stop buying food. You will be astonished at how much food there will still be in your flat. A week of tomato puree, long-forgotten weetabix and never-touched ryvita is precisely the kind of pre-Christmas diet magazines everywhere are sure to be suggesting.

2. Cancel your gym membership. It’s dark, it’s cold and most of the time it’s raining. The most attractive thing about you at the moment is your ability to provide body heat. Any weight-loss should therefore be seen as a negative. 

3. Cultivate an aura of richness by only carrying a single £50 note and your oyster card. Nothing says international jet-setter better than this.

4. Turn every item in your house into a multi-purpose item. Your friends cannot fail to be impressed when you encourage them to wash their hands with washing-up liquid, or offer loo-roll as napkins. ‘I’m big into recycling,’ You can tell them, as you feed them ryvita bought by the previous tenant.

5. Turn off the heating. After all, you have an eye-wateringly expensive coat to keep you warm.