Aim Lower, and Other New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions

The trouble with humans, and I have thought about this a lot, is that we aim too high. Landing on the moon? Cloning a sheep?

Genetically modifying food? Forcing pandas to mate in captivity? You know what would be a much better use of our time? Finding something that stored butter at the perfect temperature for spreading on toast. Or a way to ensure warm feet when you got into bed. Or something that let you heat soup in a microwave but kept the bowl you heated it in at a reasonable temperature for human hands to remove from the microwave.

Basically, temperature control is a huge issue for me, and I’d really appreciate some help, preferably from a nice chap from NASA or The Government or someone.

Irritatingly, it seems that ‘scientific progress’ is still very much focused on ignoring my heat-related requests, so, left to my own devices, here are my resolutions:

1. Remove tissues from the pockets of my jeans before I put them in the wash.
2. Buy my own shampoo. (My housemates are getting suspicious).
3. Brush my teeth for the full 3 minutes. (I have now only to laminate a book that I can read whilst engaging in this interminable task, and I’ll be all set).
4. Wait until other people have finished their (much more boring) stories before beginning my own (thrilling) stories.
5. Eat less cheese.

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