Like all normal people, I get much of my daily advice from celebrities. Victoria Beckham, for instance, encourages one not to eat when flying, in case of bloating. Like Posh, I also fly a lot. It’s almost exclusively with Ryanair, but I have taken Victoria’s words to heart, and am now, in a fit of jet-lagged induced generosity, going to share my own travel tips:
1. Eat as much as humanly possible before you get onto the flight. Always. You never know how long you’re going to be taxiing or what kind of slop they are going to feed you on the plane. Also, if you crash in a remote location, I feel it is going to make you look elegant and self-sacrificing if you are not the first to eagerly dig into the dead.
2. Bring snacks. Flying is mind-numbingly boring, and snacks serve both to occupy you and allow you to make a new ‘in-flight friend’, if you are generous to share them. (If you are sitting next to Victoria Beckham, do not be disappointed if she refuses your kind offer of Fruit-Tella, and simply ask if you can have her bread roll instead). Also, these VB-spurned sweets could play an important role in any crash-scenario.
3. Glare menacingly at your fellow passengers when you initially sit down. Now is not the time to be smiling sweetly and offering out slightly squashed Salt and Vinegar Walkers. Play the long game. Cultivate an aura of forbidding sternness. You may, if you wish, relent slightly if sat next to an extremely attractive person, or a small child. But if it all goes wrong, don’t come crying to me. I have successfully convinced at least 4 flight attendants that I do not speak English.
4. Treat the flight attendants in precisely the same manner as you would a kidnapper. The goal is to stay alive, and be as inconspicuous as possible. Any attention is unwelcome attention. Trust me, when they’re looking for people to give the spare diet cokes to, they will not be rushing up to the over-chatty extra-blanket demanding chap in aisle 4. The quietly enigmatic possibly deaf foreigner is already enjoying their ice-cold beverage before Mr aisle 4 has managed to explain to the poor flight attendant that he simply cannot work out where to plug his headphones in.
5. Bring moisturizer. This, I admit, is a tip I have stolen from Victoria Beckham. But while she encourages mid-flight moisturizing to ensure the best possible airport arrival photo, I think it is handy to have a little bottle of something one can ‘accidentally’ smear on the shared arm-rest, in the case of an arm-rest hog.