Due to the popularity of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, the sales of ‘loveballs’ (properly known as Ben Wa balls) has skyrocketed. Luckily, as a bright young thing with her fingers firmly on the pulse, I am totally aware of what Ben Wa balls are*.

As far as I can work out, Ben Wa balls are variously-sized, weighted balls which are inserted into the front bottom. This, according to Wikipedia has two benefits- it strengthens the vagina, which reduces incontinence and increases your propensity to orgasm. These, admittedly, are very nice benefits, but, personally, I think Wikipedia might have undersold these love balls. Only two benefits? From walking about with balls inside you all day long? Just off the top of my head I can think of many, many more:

1. Excessive weight loss due to day-long panicky sweating about said balls falling out of your front bottom.

2. Heightened awareness of sound, due to constant fear of balls clinking inside yourself and the subsequent horror of having to explain why your vagina is making clinking sounds. ‘Oh that? No, don’t fuss about that. I have simply inserted some metal balls into myself. Please enjoy the delicious pasta I have made.’

3. Wikipedia ends its entry on Ben Wa balls with a thrilling fact: the world champion for vagina strength can lift 35lbs. Great! Because what women all over the world need most is for another body part to be held up to an impossible ideal.

I could go on, but the effort of clenching my legs together while writing this has started to take its toll. ‘50 Shades of Grey’, for your continued and unrelenting ability to make women’s lives that little bit more difficult, I salute you. (Though from my chair, I’m scared to stand up).

*Understand how to use Google*

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