I grew up in a house where my mother made her own mayonnaise, and when we pleaded for hamburgers she marched down to The Ginger Pig (http://www.thegingerpig.co.uk/) and convinced them to grind their rib-eye steak into patties for us. For all of her children, nothing seems more enticing, illicit and glamorous than take-away.

The trouble with take-away is that it’s somewhat of a gamble. Luckily, someone else has obviously become sick of the anxiety-producing wait after ordering, the ambivalent tipping of the delivery person when you’re still unsure of what they have brought you, the rising anticipation whilst the food is unwrapped and peered at, the ultimate moment of truth as you finally get to eat the damn food- and created https://www.just-eat.co.uk/.

I have done ‘extensive research’ on the Just-Eat site (no, honestly. We ordered so much they called to security check us, because it was ‘an unusually large order’. I took this as a great, and noble achievement, while my flatmate started looking up other areas we could move to), and I truly am unsure what I ever did before such a website existed.

For a start, it has put an end to those awful, protracted telephone conversations, where they desperately try to hear what you’re saying, while you field late-addition yells from your end. ‘So just one order of egg fried rice?’ The poor chap on the other end tries to confirm. ‘Lucy! Make sure to get those dumplings. Not the bad dumplings. The good ones. No wait. 2 portions.’ ‘Sorry?’ The chap queries, nervously. ‘Two portions?’

It has allowed decisions to be made properly, and democratically, without ever needing to speak to a real-life human being. Which, surely, is one of the great perks of take-away- that no-one needs to engage with ‘actual people’. Anything that allows me to get what I want without speaking is A-OK in my books- and, thanks to the internet’s unique ability to bring out the very worst in its anonymous contributors, the comments on https://www.just-eat.co.uk/ can very much be relied upon. Now it just remains for me to invite my Mother over, and pass off the take-away as my own…

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