I am 27 years old today, a fact I am inordinately proud of. At this landmark birthday (I’m just going to keep saying it until people start agreeing with me), it behoves me to dispense some wisdom. Here it is:
1. Do not ask for butter on your sandwiches unless you like your butter in huge, undigestible lumps, clinging valiantly onto the surface of your bread. The only person who will dispense butter as you personally like it is yourself. This also applies to mayonnaise and branson pickle. Repeat after me: condiments are a private affair. Do not out-source them.
2. If you want to feel better about yourself, do not go to the gym. There are always impossibly beautiful people in the gym. I suggest McDonalds. That way, you are not surrounded by supermodels and you have some chips.
3. Sometimes, people don’t like you. This is irritating, and it is tempting to ‘encourage’ them to see the error of their ways by contacting them incessantly. Do not.
4. If you are an ‘early-morning person’ stay away from the rest of us. Perhaps you could use the extra time to make us breakfast, and serve it to us in a respectful, unsmiling silence. Basically, even if you ‘love’ the morning, try as hard as possible to act as though you don’t. Trust me, it’ll be much easier to survive.
5. Smile at strangers.
But not the scary-looking ones who are talking to themselves, or the very old ones, who might think you are about to attack them. Only smile at young, attractive people. I think what I’m saying is: flirt. (But not with oldies. Or, despite this photo- animals).