Possibly my favourite thing is when people ask me for advice. It happened to me yesterday.
‘I am going to the IMAX cinema for the first time,’ My friend texted me. ‘I am terribly excited. What shall I wear?’ ‘It’s sauna rules,’ I quickly texted back. ‘Towel only’.
This, you will be surprised to hear, is not even the best piece of advice I have ever given. At the risk of showing off, I will now share some of my pearls of wisdom:
1. ‘I can’t come,’ My friend said sadly. ‘I need to do some training, and I won’t have time to shower and change before dinner. I’m so sorry.’ ‘Do not panic,’ I replied cheerfully. ‘Sweat is self-cleansing.
There is no need to shower. It’s like those people who follow Brad Pitt to Tibet and don’t wash their hair and then they come home and everyone’s so jealous because their hair is so clean. Despite no shampoo.‘
2. ‘I am so poor this month I will be subsisting entirely off condiments,’ A former housemate told me. ‘Nonsense,’ I replied briskly. ‘You simply need to stop throwing your money away on things that you can easily get for free.’ My housemate looked at me, perplexed. ‘As in,’ I explained kindly. ‘There is absolutely no need to pay for ketchup, or salt, or napkins- all of which can be taken freely from MacDonalds.
Need a fork? Head to Waitrose- they have stacks of them by their salad aisle. Forgo expensive bottled water and instead, when out and thirsty, pop into the nearest pub. They’ll always give you a glass of tap water if you’re feeling a bit dry.’ If I remember correctly, my housemate was, in fact, so overwhelmed with this excellent advice, that she had to leave the room to contain herself.
3. Often people call me up, complaining about how tired they are. (It is possible I am the one calling them, and it’s 2.30am, but I can’t get bogged down in minor details). ‘There is no need to be tired,’ I explain cheerfully. ‘Whenever you feel tired, have a little nap. If you are in private, have a long sleep. Publicly, retire to the toilet and nap there for 20mins or so. You will notice that toilets have an inbuilt pillow in the toilet roll.
Impress upon your boss how keen you are to take advantage of every opportunity.